Blackbox.

There's such brilliant madness about all of this. It takes quite something to kick myself to remember how badly I want all of it. Sometimes, it's hard. But you must not grumble, dare not complain. Asked for it all, didn't you? Bit off a bit much for you to chew? But how can that be? What with your big, big mouth?

I'm trying my best, in other areas, to convince myself there ain't a conspiracy there. But what sane fact could actually explain this? It simply doesn't make sense. The only reasoning I can come up with is someone thinking: "Well, if that's what he wants, he'll GET it. He'll realize he never wanted this and return ruefully."

But the thing is, I wanted it. Still want it. See no other way to survive, so… if that's really the plan of someone, then it won't work.

Really, really odd. No real idea where this leaves me.
Moping on the shoulders of redheads, I guess.

My complete sanity is complete.
Which is, I guess, just the way it goes.

Bahahahahahahaahaaaaaaaa!
I can't stop laughing.
No idea what happened last night. Except... evidence? *COUGH COUGH*

Oh, dear. Bless.

No idea what my family is doing, either.
AM I FREE?

First I was all: fuck'em. I'll show'em.
Now I'm all: fuck'em. I'll show'em fuck all.
Because it doesn't matter. Why? Because nothing matters and everything is ridiculous.
Basic facts.
Got called out to do an old monologue tonight. I'll pro-bab-ly start crying. Now where do I find the text on relatively short notice?

Blablablablablablabla SAPPY SHIT. (That sounds way more disgusting than I intended it)

Best thing in the world: He exists.
'nuff said.

And what is the boy saying? Something along the lines of "Crap, I should remember I am not 18 anymore!" I guess.

Unfortunate, all of it, eh? Thing is, in a feeble attempt to scour for some understanding and sympathy, last night was spent with someone I was friends with roughly ten years ago. So we regressed. Badly, oh dear.

Maybe, I should talk to the bouncer to send me home the next time I try to get into a gay bar with a nearly empty bottle of whiskey in my hand. Next time (!!!???!!!!!), he should send me home. Well, well, still my own responsibility.

At least (the very least!), I realized things were our of hand when I found myself sitting quite crumbled in a corner after coercing the dj to play Leonard Cohen's The Future. Seemed to have been more whiskey than I thought? Found my way home, had an incredibly hard time making myself throw up, stayed up another hour sipping water and being quite mercilessly mocked, and I'm completely fine today.

I should, also, wear shirts in public.
All apologies. Please don't act like me, I am a moron.
And tea tastes better anyway.

Quote of the day is being kind of misleading without context… and yet:
"You can't hit her! She's a girl! You can't hit girls! … HAHAHAHA YES YOU CAN! DIEEEE!"

It's really quite different, the things, and these days. Everyone keeps on talking; discussing and I find nothing worth saying. I'd desire it to be clear that from this side of the frontline, there was at no time any betrayal committed. I'd like to mention that not one of us is the type of person who'd do that. We're as sure as one can be about that. Things end, that's a fact. And nothing lasts forever, now, does it? And as we're all just human, sometimes ends aren't quite as smooth as we'd wish them to be. Moving on, completely unwilling to comment any further on anything related to this… like some sort of bird that flew into some sort of glue. Sticky.

Ah, and in case anyone wouldn't be appalled at the thought, I can offer this: I'm very happy.
Thanks.

Ahahahaha, I nearly had a nervous breakdown this morning when I realized my can of hair spray was nearly empty. I actually don't know what I would have done if there wouldn't have been enough left to fix my hair. Actually don't know. I… would have stayed home? Called in sick? I usually keep a stock of my most essential stuff and I know I thought about buying a few new cans last week, but my brand was sold out! And then I never thought of it again, because I rely on myself to always have spares of everything (there's an entire drawer dedicated to that…) and this morning… I actually panicked.
So, so much about that, then.

Then… my eyelashes are being unnecessarily complicated. (They were once before, years ago… uhm… absent. Very shocking, actually, to wake up and discover part of your EYELASHES are gone. To this day I'm not entirely clear on what happened there.) Well, they are still there, but some are being way, uhm, wayward.

Oh, yeah… JOKE OF THE DAY… I was stumbling through my apartment searching and asking present people if they had seen my tweezers. And someone actually said: "Why? Do you want to pluck your eyebrows?"
Oh yes, they went there.

Annie Thing else I could report?
Now that we've dealt with hair… things.

Ah yes! I was prompted to rediscover a little thing I had written 4 years ago and I nearly lost my voice laughing. I actually laughed so hard I chocked.
I had to actually stop reading somewhere in the middle, because it got too kinky for me.
Yep, something I myself once wrote.
Too kinky for me to stand reading it now.
I actually slid down the couch groaning in disbelieve that I WROTE that.
(While we read it I was hopefully guessing I had written that 10 years ago. But a cd mentioned in the text dates it 4 years young. I wrote THAT at 24. What the hell? And my punctuation is painful to the naked eye! Even to dressed eyes, actually.)
(Well, but I do remember getting up in the middle of writing and pacing around manically… so I wasn't QUITE comfortable writing it, at least.)

Oh yeah, and I play a warrior now.
I hit things with maces.

Right, ok. May things just be like this. If people aren't happy when I'm being perfectly honest, I'll just make up lies. I don't condone acting like that, but if people simply can't accept the plain and simple truth because it collides with their world view in which they are so irreversibly stuck that they can't even consider the possibility that some people are different from them, then I'll just fucking lie to them, make up another story.

Should make a mental note that I am now terrified of heights.
Ridiculously terrified.
Acrophobia - when saying "I don't feel like it" isn't enough for people.

I miss the old internet. Ten years, ago, say.
(Now this just might lead to another night / evening of me being unable to stop making cable modem sounds… my company will be grateful.)
Back then, if you wanted a website, you needed to know html css etc
And it was FUN.
Oh and we had forums.
To discuss shit.
And we invaded other forums… by train. (I'm exploding in memooooriiiiessss!)
And it was nice.
(That was actually how I learned about what happened in NY 10 years ago… I went online after school and everyone was all like: "OMG! WHERE'S MR. PERFECT?!" and then I turned on the telly and …. well, history.
*coughs*

And music, at snailspeed from audiogalaxy! (Nothing one could have bought, mind you…)

All things considered, today didn't go all that bad. Careful wording you, say? Indeed.

All things food have been increasingly meager, recently. I exist on half a nut bar (20 g), a cuppa mashed taters and half a jar of apple sauce. What can I say? Eating isn't my favorite… and you know what? I think it's time for steak tonight. That should even it out a bit.

There are Doctor Who characters in my dreams. Am I the only one? Those… and looming, dreadful entities in various guises. The horror of being a disappointment has such creative manifestations in my brain. So many forms…

This morning's meeting was a bit bizarre. The first one I didn't expect to be dreadful at all and it was a HORROR! Six people sitting around a phone with two people in it and … just staring and stupidness and whaaa whaaa whaaa why do I have to be expected to act like a grown-up occasionally? HUH?!

The other one was BIZARRE! About addiction.
Hello darkness, my old friend.
It could have gone worse. Things could have actually happened. (But as they didn't, they still loom over everything, of course.)

Why don't they happen? Well, I'll say that it's simply inconceivable to do the undoable thing. BUT! I did learn that the kids today (WARNING! THIS WILL SCAR YOU FOR LIFE! YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY IF YOU FINISH THIS PARAGRAPH!) soak tampons with vodka and insert them , attention, in the vagina (for the girls) or, more attention please, anally (for the boys) to get drunk without arousing suspicion by smelling like booze. Immediate question in the illustrious round: "Doesn't that burn like hell?" I am so glad, so very glad, that nobody answered.

Still, the hell I give myself is so much worse than anything other people do to me. That is the truth. If truth can ever be in any way conveyed.
21 minutes and I'm on my way to steak.

Saw a young man in tight white pants today wearing open boots. Am very scandalized. I do that! The gall that some people have! Simply dressing how they feel like without asking my formal approval. No, actually, let's not forget to cough here… *cough*… I saw him and thought: "Eh… what is going on there? Odd!" and then realized that I was basically dressed the same.
Now all at once: "Everything is ridiculous."
18 minutes and I'm on my way to steak.

Someone keeps on extending kindness towards me. The most unlikely person, I would have said when I first met him. (Time travel, you know, only to pop by, visit your old self and tell them things they'd never dare to believe, only for them to get so annoyed by all your time-traveling that they get a chip implanted that forever disables them to time travel, suddenly making it impossible for your now-self to travel, so creating a paradox and ending the whole fucking universe just because you are such a loudmouth prankster.)
15 minutes and I'm on my way to steak.

(Yes, officially not a vegetarian right now.
If Morrissey gives me a kiss, I'm switching back.
Actually, I take that back.
But I think the full realization of what I'm doing when I'm doing what I'm doing (eating meat).
So that makes it possible.)

Too much composure to shake a stick at.
Now they're mocking people for mixing up English words.
They… oh, my head.
I swear the mild smile is going to eat itself into my face like acid.

Yesterday, just motivated by the enthusiasm of being alive, I punched a door frame. Had it coming, that. No, really… improv acting is so very dangerous. Well, anything is dangerous when I do it. Oh, but that story-line just wandered away from us and into a realm of complete ridiculousness. "We shall not stand up for murder! Benson, get the axe! Hargrave, stand behind me with your shoulders so broad and imposing, we shall… PREVAIL!" Yeah, and then I punched the doorframe.
Nothing appears to be broken, but I expect a fantastic bruise on my pinkie.

Oh, someone gag me.
Just, make me shut up.

I've been informed that the English word for "Karussel" is Mary Goes Around. Then people said it was carrousel. And that Mary Goes Around is probably some sort of special ride.
My head.
There's no way I'm correcting these people.

Oh yeah, and a grown up woman that has reproduced in tears while laughing about Ernie and Bert.
I wish my life was that simple.
My brain doesn't work like that.

Takes all I have to keep on smiling amicably.
BECAUSE I'M SUCH A NICE GUY.

To go for a salad. Quick, Robin! To the full weight of having a smoke in comparison. Just put a quiff!

My, My! What a ginger teenager with this bandage around my problems! I guess I ask what the field mice?

All my problems! I know that? You are very clever. GLaDOS is wetness. Why is singing in the curtains?

Was drunk last night and trolled tumblr like a mofo.

As in, leaving flawlessly spelled bonmots in peoples ask boxes.
Hehe.
That'll show 'em.

When I first read what he said while waiting for the bus home from work, I made a noise like someone kicked me in the guts and covered my face with my hands. The people waiting for the bus with me all checked their "seen crazy person acting out weirdly in public" boxes.

But by now I've spent some time staring at the sky and I get why he said it. I can even come up with a chain of reasoning to explain what he means. (But then, I've got an entire shelf dedicated to books on this topic.)

It's just that he shouldn't have said it, because it's going to make him look bad. And people are going to react just the way they do now. Which isn't helping anyone and makes vegetarians look ridiculous.

On the other hand...
"... Thicker than pig-shit
Nothing to convey
So scared to show intelligence
It might smear their lovely career..."

So yes, I agree. No, no, no.
And yet.

“… or Morrissey with a lethally sharp sword.”the person i like and why i like them.
a famous person i’ve been compared to.
5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.
the best thing that has happened to me this week.
weird things i do when i’m alone.
how i’d spend ten thousand bucks.
things i like and things i don’t like about the way i look.
my last night out in detail.
something that makes me sad when i think about it.
something i’ve lied about.
would i rather be stranded on a desert island with someone i love for ten years or someone i hate for a month? explain why.
something i’m currently worrying about.
one person from tumblr i’d throw off a cliff, one i’d marry and one i’d fuck.
something i do without realising.
lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood.
a drunken story.
something i regret.
post a picture of myself.
my longest relationship and who it was with.
press ctrl v and post.
post a bit of my last IM convo.
5 things i want to change.
my view on being tumblr famous.
someone i’d like to be for a day and why.
5 things within touching distance.
story of my first kiss.

"Wha's going on?"
"Looks good."

So, if yaever think: "Hey, I've got eggs, canned peas, mild pepperoni, a few spices, pickles and apple sauce! I'll make a meal out of that!" One word of advice: "Don't."
To our credit, we ate it anyway. I'm actually a bit sorry for those who get caught in my wake this way. Simple scrambled eggs wouldave been completely wonderful. In contrast to… that. *shudders*
(I still think apple sauce should be a part of just about every meal.)

"Wha's going on?"
"Looks good."

If you wanna play a nice game on your 360 - play "Decay". It's scary. But obviously I am so cool, I totally didn't try to hide behind the couch. Oh, and Deadly Premonition, obviously. Right, Zach?

"Wha's going on?"
"Looks good."

Everythings is ridiculous, all decay is inevitable and irreversible and I think I'm too deeply into Austrian litter rats. Booming into the night… like an exploding… uhm. What? I can't forgive the biographer that one single sentence.

"Wha's going on?"
"Looks good."

Brain, I need a new brain.

FRUIT DAY! FRUIT DAY! FRUIT DAY! FRUIT DAY! *whirls*
Oh yes, I'm living completely on fruit today and I just feel aaaaaaaaamazing. (Well, granola sprinkled over it, obviously.) Breakfast was a pear and a nectarine, lunch a banana and grapes and I have my eyes on blue- and strawberries for later, for sure.

Just clicked away an ad that boasted: "Now with puppies!"

Let's do this!
30 DAYS OF BUFFY!

Day 1: Favorite Season
Impossible to say, as usual. Let's be clear that the answers don't represent anything but what comes to mind right now, kay? Right now I'd really love to rewatch all of it, hence this 30 Days Thing (hopefully condensed in one post). Realistically, I think Season Six looks to be the most abused DVD set… But (there's always one) Season 5 with Glory? Now that was awesome.

Day 2: Favorite Episode
Life Serial is so absolutely wonderful to watch again and again and again. Each part of that episode could have been a full length show (well, almost). The Campus Of Expliding Lint, Buffy vs. Construction Workers, The Loop, Whiskey and Kitten Poker. Kitten Poker, come on!

Day 3: Favorite Song Used In An Episode
Nickel - Stupid Thing

Day 4: Favorite Female Character
Willow alone would make already a list! Young Geeky Willow, Badass Witch Willow, Sexy Parallel Universe Willow, Sensuous Magic Willow etc etc etc
Anya is wonderful, obviously. She probably has my favorite lines.
And Glory!(Did I mention her before?)
Cassie Newton as well, so ethereal!
I nearly forgot Drusilla!! AHHHH!

Day 5: Least Favorite Female Character
Ok, does anyone actually piss me off? No.
I looked through a character list to help me alone and found Kathy Newman, Buffy's first roommate. But actually the despair she causes is wonderful and I enjoy her.
Ok, wait! I know. I'm sorry, but I don't like Dawn. Ooops.

Day 6: Favorite Male Character
Giles! OMG! The love. The first 15 entries on this list is Giles.
Then definitely Spike. My favorite minor male character would be… Clem! I'm always happy when I see him.

Day 7: Least Favorite Male Character
Who would I punch in the face? Riley.
Closely followed by the headmaster.

Day 8: Favorite Friendship
Buffy and Giles.

Day 9: Favorite Romance
Oooooz! I forgot OZ!!!! Willow and Oz it is. Damn it. It's like a whole universe!! (And Joyce and Giles. That was awesome.)

Day 10: Least Favorite Season
Season 4! Get out! And stay out!!!! The damn effin Initative. Riley! Grrrrr! Adam! Bah.

Day 11: Least Favorite Romance
Willow and that potential Slayer chick that made eyes at her. Hands off my witch, she's Tara's!!

Day 12: Least Favorite Episode
Go Fish. Simply icks me out too much. And the one with the ventre… ventroli… eh… hand puppet.

Day 13: Favorite Potential Slayer
Chao-Ahn

Day 14: Favorite Female Villain
GLOOOORY!

Day 15: Favorite Male Villain
OLAF!

Day 16: Episode You Like That Everyone Else Hates
I really have no idea what "everyone" or just anyone else thinks. As soon as I love something, I have absolutely no comprehension of the possibility that someone else might not love it juzst as much. I am dangerously enthusiastic. Really. I was heard saying things like: "And then he was an inconsiderate wanker, left without telling anyone and everyone else was fucked. ISN'T HE WONDERFUL!!!!????" and people just stare at me. (But how can anyone think that that's not wonderful? I mean, he's… he. Egh… the question… right.
Maybe some people would dislike The Body? Because it makes them sad and Joyce dies? I love it.

Day 17: Character You Relate To The Most
Probably Xander. And when it comes to love, often Buffy. But only then. Generally, Xander. I want fruit rolls.

Day 18: Character Who Didn’t Get Enough Screen Time
Repetitive I am! Clem. Let's have a Clem spin-off.
And Darla, Darla was niiiiice. (Or is she only in Angel? Then she really didn't have enough screen time in Buffy…)
Molly too!

Day 19: Character You Like That Everyone Else Hates
Again! Huh! I don't know. I like Andrew? Is he… hated?

Day 20: Best Spike-centric Episode
The one where he's shirtless! All sexy over a cross or something? Nice, that. The one with the stuff he goes through, you know?

Day 21: Best Willow-centric Episode
The one where she's absolutely batty on the magic, the one with the dealer.

Day 22: Best Xander-centric Episode
Is there such a thing? The one with the shiny coin of deception, of course.

Day 23: Two Characters You Wanted To Get Together That Never Did
Funnily, I… really never thought about that. Maybe Will and Watcher With The Stick Up His Ass? Aren't they real life married?

Day 24: Favorite Example of 90s Special Effects
Hey! Do I hear a belittling undertone here? Can we please still value that sometimes smoke, a scary head on a stick and good writing can pull everything off? Yes? (I did like that head on a stick monster. Wasn't it in a cave and they had to steal the eggs? Cordelia and Buffy?)
My favorite would be the vamp faces. The evolution of them. Throughout the series.

Day 25: Favorite Buffyverse Saying
"Bored now" (*skins guy*)
"Because it's wrong."
"Beer good. Foamy."

Day 26: Favorite Scooby Moment
The beginning of the end of the last episode of the first season.

Day 27: Cutest Moment
Giles talking to Buffy after babysitting Dawn,
All scenes with Mrs. Kitty Fantastico
KITTEN POKER!!!!

Day 28: Character You Love To Hate
Mhh… Wesley.

Day 29: Episode You Hate That Everyone Else Loves
I DON'T KNOW EVERYONE ELSE DAMN IT!
What is it with people's obsession about EVERYONE ELSE?
There's probably people that liked the Initiative episodes? But I don't hate them. I just don't like them as insanely much as the rest.

Day 30: What You Think Made Buffy So Great
WHY WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THIS??? THERE'S THIS TINY BLOND GIRL AND SHE'S SO KICKASS AND NO TAKING OF SHIT EVER HAPPENS AND SHE MAKES THIS WONDERFUL FRIENDS WHO ARE SO UNLIKE HER BUT THEY SEE EACH OTHER FOR WHO THEY ARE AND THAT ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING!!!! AND SHE'S GOT THIS WATCHER AND THE WAY HE RUBS HIS GLASSES AND HE'S BRITISH AND BOOOKS ARE EVERYWHERE AND THEN THERE'S VAMPIRES AND THEY GO POOF BECAUSE AGAIN WITH THE KICK ASS!!!! AND IT'S TOO FUNNY AND CREEPY AND WONDERFUL AND ARGHHAHHAHHAHHAA!!!! AND THEN THE WORLD ENDS; THE CITY GETS EATEN BY A SNAKE AND THERE'S THIS GUY WITH THE CHEESES! AND EVERYONE IS DATING A DEMON AND THEN HE REALLY HAS TO TAKE HIS GLASSES OFF AND EVERYTHING IS MAGIC AND MAGIC MAKES THESE CRAZY AND WONDERFUL THINGS HAPPEN AND BUFFY AND SPIKE SNOG UNDER A SPELL AND LATER MUCH LATER THEY SHAG AND TAKE A HOUSE DOWN!!!!! MYSTERIES ARE SOLVED BY DEAD CHRISTMAS TREES AND CAVES AND STCKMONSTERS AND BAND CANDY AND
WELL.
Well, I always really enjoyed the show, really. *coughs*

In the meantime (how mean, time!) I ate a bread roll with jam and cheese so there went my wonderful day of fruit. *huffs*

Heart-warming they are, because they feel so eternal. (SB)

Breakfast today: 1 pear, 1 nectarine, sprinkled with "oat crunchy".
Happiness in a little white bowl. I tend to suppress how happy real nice food can make you (and stuff my face with chips and wonder why I feel like I have no real energy).
I mean, yeah, it's a be instant soup for lunch, but… well, well.

Bought a decent camera, finally. I took quite a nice picture of a pink worm already!

Shaky, shaky day today. Burst into tears publicly (more or less) three times in the morning. Before that twice at home. Someone special died this week 2 years ago and there isn't even the tiniest fragment of the wound healed. Maybe I should not mark the day in my day planner for next year? I couldn't. It would be physically impossible.

So, yeah, feeling quite raw indeed. Exhausted. Red-eyed.
Can I just limb home and leave all this behind me? Hide on the couch, drown in a drink and forget?
I can't? Work? Already scheduled plans? Appointments? Right.